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Basic Toilet Humor

Toilet humor has traditionally served as the reliable retreat for daily publications, and writers stay alert regarding memorable lavatory incidents and historic moments, particularly within football. What a delight it was to discover that Big Website columnist Adrian Chiles has a West Brom-themed urinal within his residence. Reflect for a moment about the Tykes follower who understood the bathroom rather too directly, and had to be saved from a deserted Oakwell after falling asleep on the loo during halftime of a 2015 loss versus the Cod Army. “He had no shoes on and misplaced his cellphone and his cap,” stated a representative from Barnsley fire services. And who can forget during his peak popularity playing for City, the controversial forward popped into a local college to access the restrooms during 2012. “His luxury car was stationed outside, before entering and requesting directions to the restrooms, then he went to the teachers’ staff room,” a student told a Manchester newspaper. “After that he was just walking through the school acting like the owner.”

The Lavatory Departure

This Tuesday commemorates a quarter-century from when Kevin Keegan quit as the England coach following a short conversation inside a lavatory booth alongside FA executive David Davies in the bowels of Wembley, following that infamous 1-0 defeat against Germany in 2000 – England’s final match at the legendary venue. As Davies remembers in his diary, his private Football Association notes, he stepped into the wet troubled England locker room directly following the fixture, seeing David Beckham weeping and Tony Adams energized, both players begging for the official to reason with Keegan. Subsequent to Hamann's direct free-kick, Keegan moved wearily along the passageway with a thousand-yard stare, and Davies found him slumped – just as he was at Anfield in 1996 – within the changing area's edge, muttering: “I'm done. I can't handle this.” Grabbing Keegan, Davies tried desperately to rescue the scenario.

“Where could we possibly locate [for a chat] that was private?” remembered Davies. “The tunnel? Full of TV journalists. The changing area? Crowded with emotional footballers. The shower area? I was unable to have a crucial talk with the team manager as squad members entered the baths. Only one option presented itself. The restroom stalls. A crucial incident in the Three Lions' storied past occurred in the ancient loos of an arena marked for removal. The approaching dismantling was nearly palpable. Dragging Kevin into a cubicle, I closed the door after us. We remained standing, looking at each other. ‘You can’t change my mind,’ Kevin said. ‘I'm leaving. I'm not capable. I'll inform the media that I'm not adequate. I cannot inspire the squad. I can’t get the extra bit out of these players that I need.’”

The Results

And so, Keegan resigned, eventually revealing he viewed his tenure as national coach “soulless”. The double Ballon d'Or recipient continued: “I found it hard to fill in the time. I ended up coaching the blind squad, the deaf squad, assisting the women's team. It's a tremendously tough role.” Football in England has advanced considerably in the quarter of a century since. For better or worse, those Wembley restrooms and those twin towers have long disappeared, whereas a German currently occupies in the technical area Keegan previously used. Thomas Tuchel’s side are among the favourites for next year's international tournament: Three Lions supporters, appreciate this period. This specific commemoration from one of England's worst moments is a reminder that things were not always so comfortable.

Current Reports

Follow Luke McLaughlin at 8pm UK time for Women’s Bigger Cup updates concerning Arsenal's match against Lyon.

Daily Quotation

“We remained in an extended queue, clad merely in our briefs. We represented Europe's top officials, premier athletes, inspirations, grown-ups, parents, determined individuals with high morals … yet nobody spoke. We scarcely made eye contact, our eyes shifted somewhat anxiously while we were called forward two by two. There Collina observed us from top to bottom with an ice-cold gaze. Mute and attentive” – former international referee Jonas Eriksson reveals the humiliating procedures referees were previously subjected to by previous European football refereeing head Pierluigi Collina.

Football Daily Letters

“How important is a name? There’s a poem by Dr Seuss called ‘Too Many Daves’. Did Blackpool encounter Steve Overload? Steve Bruce, together with staff Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been removed from their positions. So is that the end of the club’s Steve obsession? Not exactly! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie stay to take care of the first team. Full Steve ahead!” – John Myles

“Now that you've relaxed spending restrictions and distributed some merchandise, I've chosen to type and offer a concise remark. Ange Postecoglou claims he started conflicts in the school playground with kids he expected would overpower him. This masochistic tendency must account for his option to move to Nottingham Forest. Being a longtime Tottenham fan I'll remain thankful for the second-year silverware but the only second-season trophy I can see him winning by the Trent, if he lasts that long, is the Championship and that would be some struggle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|